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Is a loved one suffering from depression?

Facing the challenging reality of battling a mental health issue can be quite daunting – and not just for those affected. Mental health issues permeate all areas of life: they alter social relationships in private and at work, but above all, they change a person’s relationship with themselves.

Unfortunately, it is usually a change for the worse. A creeping feeling of worthlessness, self-hatred, constant negative dialogue in the head… The list goes on and on. As difficult as it is to be a person affected by mental illness, it is just as challenging to deal with someone who is.

If someone in your family or circle of friends suffers from depression, you have undoubtedly encountered one or two challenges. This article is designed to help you navigate this complex situation and suggest strategies for improvement.

1. Understanding the signs and symptoms of depression

Depression has a major impact on personality. People often become more irritable, distant and develop an overall avoidant attitude. They may behave hostilely and quickly destroy the enthusiasm and hope of family members to be helpful and caring.

From a psychoanalytical perspective, a depressed person is described as someone who has “withdrawn” their “cathexis” (the process of assigning mental or emotional energy to a person, object or idea) from the outside world and turned it inwards. In real life, this could manifest itself in distancing and apparent disinterest in the outside world. Figuratively speaking, the person needs a lot of mental energy to cope with depression, and normal interaction with family and friends is “overwhelming.” Try to understand that this is not a conscious decision, but rather an emergency coping mechanism of the psyche to gather all resources and direct them inward instead of outward. An example: As a result of their depression, a person pays less and less attention to their spouse and feels terrible about it. However, they do not have the mental capacity to communicate or improve this problem, as coping with their depression already takes up all their energy.

A family is a living system. When one member suffers, the whole system suffers. People feel the suffering of their loved ones as if it were their own. The closer people are to each other, the more difficult it can be to distinguish between their own feelings and those of the other person. That is why it is important to be mentally prepared when situations and emotions escalate at home.

2. Seek professional help

If you feel that your partner or a family member is showing signs of depression, encourage them to seek medical help as soon as possible. Both general practitioners and psychotherapists can provide a professional assessment of the current situation. Depression is an illness that, like any other physical or mental illness, can and should be treated in a timely manner.

3. Learn about depression

A basic tip: It is extremely helpful for both those affected and their loved ones to know as much as possible about depression, its effects and treatment options. This not only creates understanding for those affected but also gives you realistic expectations of the recovery process.

4. Build a strong support network

Domestic and family support will play a major role in overcoming depression. Any effort you put into the home environment is likely to have a greater impact than you might initially expect. It is true that you cannot “fix” the person affected, but you can definitely help.

Depressive illness has been found to be directly linked to eating and sleeping patterns and activity levels. On the other hand, it reduces motivation. Depressed people often behave passively, apathetically and eat too much or too little. A loved one can be a great help in these areas. Here are some suggestions of what you can do:

• Create a stress-free atmosphere: talk about needs and concerns without judgement.
• Introduce more routine into their life: eat at the same time, take medication, go for walks, etc. This will help the person affected feel less overwhelmed by everyday life.
• Make plans for the near future: go to the cinema next week, arrange to go out for dinner, etc. Without external encouragement, people with depression often avoid all social interaction or any activity at all.
• Cook together: Healthy eating is not only a strong factor in recovery, but the mere process of cooking also requires a good deal of participation. Planning and shopping – i.e. taking control and responsibility – can also help people with depression.
• Exercise together: Try to be there to initiate walks, runs, hikes, yoga or other forms of exercise. For moderate depressive episodes, exercise can be just as beneficial as an antidepressant, while for severe depression it is a powerful adjunct treatment.
• Pay attention to changes in alcohol consumption: If the usual glass of wine has suddenly become a whole bottle, you should intervene. The same applies to drug use, prescription medication, etc.

5. Take care of yourself

This point should actually be the first on our list, because you can only provide support if you are feeling well yourself. There is no shame in needing time for yourself, a break or someone to talk to. On the contrary, it is essential. A depressive episode can last for months and is a major challenge for everyone involved. Having someone to talk to is very important. This could be a friend, a professional or a support group.

People often reduce their social interactions in line with their depressed partner. If possible, however, try to participate in life, as this is important for your own mental health. The person with depression may not be able or willing to meet people, go to the cinema or go dancing – and that is perfectly fine in their situation. However, you also have a responsibility to yourself. Take regular “time out” from taking care of the affected person. Continuing to enjoy your hobbies is not a betrayal. Think of it as emotional recharging.

Last but not least: what you should NOT do

If, as a close relative or friend of a depressed person, you believe that this person is simply sad or lazy, your closeness can do more harm than good. Questions and statements that should be avoided as a relative include:

• “Can’t you just be happy?”
• “You’re just imagining things.”
• “Why are you so lazy?”
• “Do you know that some people have it much worse than you?”
• etc.

This brings us back to point three: learn about depression and be as empathetic as possible. Give the depressed person space to be depressed and express their feelings. Ask them how they feel instead of questioning the “why.” Ask how you can help instead of giving unsolicited advice. Ask about their sleep, appetite and energy levels. Try to notice things that the person may not be able to notice about themselves. But don’t forget yourself and your own needs in the process. Witnessing a loved one suffer can be very challenging and overwhelming. It is difficult to maintain a balance between empathy, the desire to help and the simultaneous feeling of helplessness. It is important to remember that patience, a peaceful environment and emotional stability are your most important allies in the fight against depression in your family or circle of friends. Do not hesitate to seek professional help.